The night I lost my clapper!

A fictional account

Arrrg! Could it be that the deer have returned! Any gardener’s truest nightmare. At least I think they have. Last night you see, one or more animals (most likely of the Family Cervidae) visited my raised beds and then selectively ate some of my tomatoes and bean plants. This happened a day after I had sighted deer in the area, so it was rather easy to put two and two together.

So, what to do? I thought briefly about sitting up overnight on my balcony (which overlooks the garden), my trusty shotgun at my side with maybe a couple of six packs to help keep me alert, but finally nixed the idea. With my luck, a neighbor would pick just that evening to take a stroll at three in the morning. I, now in a drunken stupor, would jerk awake and then bag him good. I could imagine myself explaining to local police why I should not be charged with manslaughter! No, that approach was out. I needed something more innocuous (and safe for all concerned).

That’s when I came up with the idea of a ‘rope alarm system’ (patent pending). It involved a rope suspended between metal poles that would form a perimeter around the beds. The end of the rope would be hooked up to the small bell in my bedroom. (I think I remember seeing this setup in some old WWII movie)! I figured any marauding deer would stumble into the rope barrier, and in doing so, would ring the bell. Then, at the sound of which (ding dong), I would quickly wake up, grab my loaded BB gun and apply a bit of painful justice to the rump of the aforementioned bounder. I didn’t want to hurt them you understand, I just wanted deliver a message that these garden vittles belong to yours truly. (As you have probably figured out, this kind of thinking is solely a guy thing. Actually, it’s more of a dumb guy thing than anything else).

I guess that sometime around 2AM, that old bell rang. She kept on ringing too, but I was in a deep slumber and dead to the world (courtesy of Budweiser) and so slept blissfully on. Unfortunately, my sister who was sleeping in the next room is a light sleeper and rose up in a rather bad mood. I was brought out of my slumber after she hit me over the head with my BB gun. The deer (and yes it was a deer) had in the meantime become tangled up in the rope and now in a panic was dragging the whole shebang down the lawn toward the woods. Miraculously, the bell was still attached to the rope. It had been ripped from my bedroom wall, pulled through the screened door and was now trailing about twenty feet behind the poor beast. Looking back, I noted that for every few steps he took, the bell would clang loudly. (One could have gotten the impression that perhaps the bell itself was a bit panicked). What was certain was that the more the bell clanged the more panicked the animal got…and vice versa.

For my part, I was encouraged, in no uncertain terms, to run outside after that dad burn bell. I just was able to put some sandals on and then launched myself down the hallway and thence out the back door. Standing in the darkness, I could just make out the sound of the bell somewhere off in the woods. It would clang a couple of times then stop for a bit. Then the sound was repeated. I crept cautiously into the woods, about ten feet or so, and now found myself in complete darkness and of failing resolve. I was about to turn back for home when, BAM! A lightening bolt lit up the sky striking some where close by. (Had I needed to urinate, I would have done so right on that spot). As it was, my heart stopped for a second and in the ensuing silence, I could just make out that old bell now sounding for all it was worth, rapidly fading off into the distance.

As I came back into the house, wet to the bone from the cloudburst, I made myself a promise not to pursue a patent after all.